I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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