life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
