her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
