It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
