I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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