all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
