I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
