i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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