my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
