you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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