A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
how does that bad decision feel?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
