apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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