If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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