the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
