no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
