I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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