When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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