i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
