apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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