I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
