I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
