Swine flu. Run for my life!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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