I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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