I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
