Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
