i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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