wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
