who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
