I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
