Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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