New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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