Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
