I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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