My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
