How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
