The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
