i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
