Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
40s are totally the cure
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
