When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
