sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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