I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
