you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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