I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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