saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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