Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
