thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
