Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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