i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
