My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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