I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
