I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
YAS. BRING CRAB.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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